Season of Waiting

I want to be real for a moment. 

I have been relatively quiet about this in the past 3ish years and have decided that I cannot keep it in any longer for fear of imploding, so I am writing about it.  Although I know several others who are in the same boat, this is my truth, my reality, my experience.

“Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” (Psalms 30:5)

I have mentioned before that this verse has been a source of hope and comfort to me.  Matt and I have been trudging through a long valley and more times than not, have felt as if we’ve been crawling instead of walking.  No matter how down we may get we have never been alone.  The Lord has been carrying us towards the mountaintop that we know is in our future.  But for now, we are in a season of waiting.  Waiting for this weepy night to end.  Waiting for the joy that will come in the morning.

This is a snapshot of what the valley has looked like for us:

2012
August	Mr. & I started trying for a family
2013
February	Found out we were pregnant (7 weeks)
March	Miscarried (11 weeks)
2014
May	Found out we were pregnant (2 weeks)
June	Miscarried (4 weeks)
2015
March	Met with OBGYN to discuss infertility
March - October	Various rounds of Clomid or Femara without success
November	Met with Fertility Specialist in Winston-Salem, NC Several vials of blood for various tests. Metformin to help with possible PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome)
December	Hysteroscopy to check for blocked fallopian tubes – found that my left tube was blocked and that I had a uterine septum.
2016
January	Travelled to Greensboro, NC for a hysterscopic metroplasty to remove the uterine septum and a hysterscopic tubal cannulation to unblock left fallopian tube.  Should have a clean bill of health and I shouldn’t have any issues getting pregnant at this point.
March – July	No luck.  Started Femara along with Ovidrel injection.
August	No luck.  More aggressive treatment – Femara, Ovidrel alongside IUI (intrauterine insemination)
September	No luck.  Decided to add a more aggressive medication (Menopur) alongside the IUI. My insurance required prior approval for the medications and with only a days’ notice (because fertility is all about very specific timing) the timing to get the Rx did not work out so we are at a standstill….until next month.

These are some things that I have noticed during our bout with infertility: 

1.
It never fails, if I am 6 days late and go to the store to purchase a pregnancy test, I immediately start my period.  It’s like the purchase of the test stirs up the ovaries...and I am out $12.

2.
Insurance companies suck.  Fertility treatments are expensive.  The medical insurance that I have should cover the majority of those expenses.

3.
The overload of hormones wreaks havoc on your body.  I currently resemble the Marshmallow Man.  Lots of squishy places.  Unbecoming for sure.  I keep reminding myself – it is worth it.

4.
I don’t like the injection part.  However, I think that the Mr. enjoys poking me with needles.  I will say he is very sweet and gentle.  I hardly feel a thing.

5.
The twice-monthly drives to Asheville for follicle scans make for the perfect “Have a Little Talk with Jesus” time for those who I know are suffering through infertility as well.

6.
Self-diagnosed PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder)
When I started taking the Femara with the Ovidrel injection I noticed that I began having severe anxiety when I was away from family/home.  This has made the trips to Asheville quite stressful.  So stressful a couple of times I had to stop because I was physically sick.  I only feel this way when I am alone; which happens to be every trip, except one so far.

7.
My OBGYN and his nurse are absolutely amazing.  When I come into the office they are there to lift me up in the Spirit.  They do not equate anything they do to their own abilities; they give the recognition to The Lord.  They remind me that it is His timing, not ours.  They pray for me…and they cross their fingers. It is the praying that is more encouraging. J

8.
My local pharmacy has been absolutely amazing and very accommodating.  When they know my insurance does not cover the medication, they search for coupons and discounts they give me in an effort to make the medicine a little more affordable.

9.
There are way too many people who are in the trenches of infertility.  It seems almost daily I learn of someone else who is struggling.  My heart aches for them.  The desire and the pain are very real.  I do not understand why anyone has to go through these types of things.  My prayer is that they will be blessed, but along the road, they will fine Peace and Comfort that only the Lord can provide.

So here we are, October 2016…a little over 4 years into this Season of Waiting.  I am not sure why the Lord wants us to wait but we will Trust in Him.  We have too.  The doctors do not have answers.  I do not have answers.  And to be quite honest, I am tired of tossing hay around in an effort to find the needle.   

Lord, here I am, heal my body.  If my body cannot be healed, Lord, please change the desire of my heart.