I started my blog as a way to document my life and that includes
the good, the bad and the ugly. I don’t
want to give the impression that I only have good and happy things happen in my
life…that would be misleading. I believe
that most would agree that for every mountain top you reach, there was a long,
deep and dark valley that had to be crossed first. I will warn you now that this post has not
been easy to write and it is filled with all kinds of emotion. This is a post that I have been tinkering
with off and on over the last six months.
My intentions are not to be gloomy, instead, I want to show how God uses
even our darkest moments to bring us closer to Him. My parents raised me to be mindful that even
in bad times we are to praise The Lord just as we would in the good times. That is what I aim to do. I am not writing for sympathy or pity, I am
writing to praise The Lord and to document this not-so-happy moment in my life.
I have hesitated to write this post for so long and for so many
reasons. I realized by leaving this
event in my life unwritten that I am denying God. You see, it has been by God’s never-changing
promises that He loves me and has a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11) and He
will never leave me nor forsake me (Joshua 1:5) that has allowed the Mr. and me
to find peace and comfort.
I found out on February 27, 2013 that the Mr. and I were expecting
our first child. An ultrasound confirmed
that indeed there was a baby (measuring 7w 3d) and the doctor said the baby and
heart rate looked great. Seeing the
little life on the screen and hearing the fluttering heartbeat was probably the
sweetest sight/sound I have ever experienced.
I waited until I was in the car and called the Mr. to announce that he
was going to be a Daddy. I could hear
the smile spreading across his face as his heart swelled with joy. We were completely and utterly thrilled, yet scared
about how this button-sized life had already and would continue to change our
lives forever. We have prayed that the Lord would bless us
with children and we were excited that He chose to do so.
Over the next week or so we told our parents and siblings;
however, they were sworn to secrecy as we wanted to get through the first
trimester before making a public announcement.
I wouldn’t be twelve weeks until the day after Easter (April 1st)
so I knew keeping it a secret that long would be hard, especially on our
moms. As we got closer to Easter, we
began to loosen our lips a little bit and told our closest friends. They, too, were sworn to secrecy until after
Easter.
I had my first “official” ob. appointment on March 12th
and the appointment went well. I was
excited to see and hear the baby again during the ultrasound. The doctor took measurements and said baby was
measuring 9w 1dAfter the appointment I jumped in the car and called the Mr. I told him that the doctor gave a good report
and was pleased with what he saw and gave me the due date: October 14, 2013.
A couple weeks later, just shy of 11 weeks, I started experiencing
a low backache but nothing that I felt was alarming enough to call the
doctor. However, by the time Monday
rolled around I was concerned as the backache was consistent and I wasn’t
feeling well. After talking to the Mr.
and mom I called the doctor. They had me
come in for a precautionary evaluation.
My friend Becky happened to text me at the same time I was finishing up
the call to the doctor and she said her office was empty and said she would ride
with me for company.
Although spring was literally around the corner, it was snowing so
it was icy and slick. As most of you
know, we live in a mountainous area and I had to cross over a couple mountains
to get to the doctor in Asheville, which is an hour away. Needless to say, I’m sure I scared Becky to
death as I made it to the office in 40 minutes…in the snow…and ice. *sorry Bek*
On the drive to Asheville and while waiting in the lobby, I was
trying to crack jokes and talk about random non-baby-related things to help
keep my emotions in check. (I mean, who
wants to deal with a blubbering, snotty crying woman?) All the while, I was silently
blubbering, snotting and crying out praying to the Lord with such a
frenzied desire that I knew only He could handle.
After waiting a nerve-racking 45 minutes in the lobby, I heard my
name called from the hallway. Within
minutes of the doctor coming into the room, my worst nightmare became reality as
I was informed that a heartbeat could not be found. Becky had been standing beside me holding my
hand, and at the doctor’s words I know I squeezed her hand hard. I guess I was hoping that the squeezing would
take the pain in my heart away. *again, sorry Bek*
I have often found it crazy how so many thoughts and images can
run through my mind in a matter of seconds.
In those few seconds, tears silently poured down my face as my mind
raced at full speed. I was one day shy
of being 11 weeks, how could this happen?
I was so sure that the closer we got to week 12 that we were golden, no
more worries about the critical first trimester and all that jazz. I was so close to have it all taken away
*snap* just like that. All I could think
is how do I call and give this news to my husband? To my family? To my friends?
Then, just as quickly as the tears started, they stopped. The doctor said that although I should be 11 weeks, the baby only measured 9w 1d. He then explained what needed to be
done and I needed to make decisions. I
was in a daze and was going through the motions without really understanding
what was being said. The doctor kept
repeating that he was so sorry and I remember telling him it was okay because
God has a plan. The doctor agreed and
said that God was most definitely in control.
After a few minutes of discussion, I was scheduled for surgery the
following morning. I called the Mr. and
all I could say was I am sorry. As I
left the doctor’s office, I felt defeated.
I felt as if I had let my husband down, the grandparents down, the
aunts/uncles down, but most of all I felt like I had failed my unborn
baby.
Once at home, the day was on repeat in my mind. As a born again Child of God, I know that He
is totally in control. I know that He
has an awesome plan for the Mr. and me.
I know with every ounce of my being that God loves me and only wants the
best for me, I have to trust Him. But
just as I know and believe all that to be true, I am human. This is where it’s difficult for our human
self to grasp what our spiritual self understands. In my heart I knew God was in control, in my
mind I felt I was solely responsible and could have done something to prevent
it.
By nature, when I am worried or nervous I find myself thinking of
worst case scenarios and then talk about it to whoever is around. Unfortunately for the Mr., he was the only
one around that night. I was petrified
about having surgery. I get real uneasy
when I have to be put to sleep. Earlier
in the day as I was talking to the doctor, he asked me if I had any questions
or thoughts, etc. I told him no. However, I really wanted to ask him to not
let me die during surgery but figured he didn’t needed the extra pressure. As I laid on the couch, I kept thinking about
dying and finally I couldn’t keep quiet any longer. I blurted out to the Mr. that if I died
during surgery I wanted him to get married again (after an appropriate grieving
time, of course) but he couldn’t marry a supermodel-pretty woman because that
would only make him look like a shallow loser.
He just looked at me dumbfounded and told me to hush and that I wasn’t
going to die. Listen people, this is how
I deal with stress okay? Don’t judge
me.
The Mr. was continuously checking on me and asking if I needed
anything. He kept telling me that this
is not what we had planned but that we needed to remember that God was in
control and for whatever reasons, it wasn’t meant to be right now. He kept telling me that all will be okay and
that we will be okay. He was saying
exactly what I needed to hear, regardless how many times he had to repeat
it. Needless to say, the night was not
uneventful and it resulted in a phone call to the doctor around 10pm.
During the call with the doctor, I had a peace come over me like
no other. The doctor explained that he felt the Good Lord was taking care of
the miscarriage naturally so that I hopefully wouldn’t have to go through the
surgery. After speaking with the doctor,
he wanted me to come by his office before going to the hospital for
surgery.
Mr. and I met with the doctor early the next morning. After an ultrasound, he repeated again that
the Good Lord had taken care of this for us and surgery was not necessary. He went on to say that the Lord had me in His
hands and that He was taking care of us.
We received a plan of action and the doctor mentioned that although we
may not understand why we were not going to be able to bring our little button
into the world, The Lord knows and that He would bless again. I tell you, this doctor is Ah-mazing. The Mr. and I loved that he was giving us not
only a medical opinion, but a God-fearing medical opinion. My doctor was not trying to take any credit
in anything, he was giving it to the Lord.
Remember when I said that God has a plan for our lives – isn’t it
amazing how in hindsight we can see His hand at work even when we were
clueless??? I have no idea what God has
in store for my life, my husband‘s life or our lives as parents…but I do know
that He is never going to give us more than we can handle and He is never going
to forsake us.
The night I lost the baby, I was lying in bed and tears were
flowing without end. A Bible verse kept
running through my mind on repeat “weeping
may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning” (Psalms 30:5). Then a few days later a friend of mine sent
me an email that said: “it may feel like
death, may smell like it and may hurt like it, but it’s only the valley and a
shadow of death – there IS another side.
If you keep walking you’ll make it through.” She couldn’t have been more right. The past six months has been a long valley
that I have been walking through but this valley will only last a season and my
soul finds peace knowing that joy will come.
I would give anything to be able to bring a beautiful baby girl or boy into
the world today. But I know and
understand that God has a plan for us and I am okay with that.
It is crazy how even in our brokenness, God proves Himself
true. He never left me, never forsake
me. I have realized now, it was GOD who
had taken the wheel of my car to/from Asheville – I only thought I was
driving. It was GOD who had guided me from
the lobby and into the exam room – I only thought I was following the nurse. It was GOD who had literally carried me out
of the doctor’s office that afternoon – I only thought I was walking by my own
accord. What I thought was numbness was
really GOD’S hand of comfort as He was healing my heart. I did not do anything – it was GOD the.whole.time.
The Mr. and I know that God will continue to walk this valley with
us. God is bigger than the little box
that I try to put Him in sometimes. His
promises do not and will not change and as long as we place our lives, hearts
and souls in His hands, we will not be disappointed because “JOY comes in the
morning.”
beautiful. crying over here. praying, peace and comfort for you and Matt. praying for an explosive second chapter.
ReplyDeleteWow, tears as I read this Deidre. So hard to go through that, but glad you kept your hope! I will be praying for you and future pregnancies:)
ReplyDeleteDeidre, what wonderful words you have written. I am crying as I read this. I love you both and know that GOD was with you and will always be with you. Our babies are in heaven together and having a wonderful time!!!!
ReplyDeleteTears flowing as I read Deidre....my heart breaks for you and the "Mr.". I too have experienced the total devastating emotional pain. Keeping your eyes on Him he will guide you through this valley. Know there are countless people that pray for you and love you beyond measure and in His time we will celebrate the arrival of his most precious gift. Thank you for sharing and you never know the impact this life event could be on someone who too has lost a baby, but are angry with God and reading your words will bring them to a saving knowledge and the ability to praise Him no matter what!
ReplyDeleteBeing vulnerable and sharing our pain and struggles make our testimonies ring true, giving glory to God and hope to others. Precious words. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteSharing our pain and struggles make our testimonies ring true, giving glory to God and hope to others. Precious words. Your "Button's" life has been used to glorify God through your words. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteDeidre, thanks for sharing this. I love your name for "Button" - it's so endearing. I am sorry that you are going through this again in on your due date, but I love the way you are handling it in your praise. This reminds me living Lamentations...namely 3:19-24.
ReplyDelete19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
Hi Deidre, thanks for sharing this. I love your name for "Button" - it's so endearing. I am so sorry that you are going through the pain again in remembering your due date, but I love how you are handling it in your praise! This reminds me of living my own Lamentations - namely 3:19-24
ReplyDelete19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”